The degree I'm working on right now is an Applied Arts and Sciences degree but it has a psychology/sociology focus. Needless to say, I've found myself in quite a few psych classes over the past couple of semesters. Last semester, one of the assignments I was given was to find 10 relationship-relevant songs or writings and then to comment on the emotion those songs or writings evoked. Because I like to write and because I like to give my opinion, ;) I loved this assignment.
One of the things I wrote about was an excerpt from a book called "Dare to Forgive" by Dr. Ned Hollowell. Forgiveness is a concept that I sometimes wonder if people really understand...including myself. I've heard it said that unforgiveness is a poison. Poison can steal life. So, because life requires us to come in contact with others and that usually means a potential for being hurt, understanding forgiveness is as important to our existence as breathing. But, how can something so important be so difficult to understand, much less truly accomplish? Dr. Hollowell says, "Forgiveness has taken on a daft quality for many people, or at least a quaintness, as if forgiveness were a sweet old lady—a sweet old idea, one to which we pay our respects but think of as fragile and weak, unable to help us do the heavy lifting of everyday life. For the heavy lifting we believe we need strong young men—ideas that pack a punch, like vengeance, retribution and that great masquerader, justice." I LOVE this comparison! Not because I think it's an accurate comparison, but I think it is such a good way to describe how so many people look at forgiveness. Let me just say that I've been on both sides of the table... desperately desiring and needing to be forgiven and being required to give the same... there is nothing weak, fragile or quaint about it!
He goes on to say, "Forgiveness is much stronger, not to mention much wiser, than vengeance or retribution, and it begets the best kind of justice. Forgiveness is not a sweet old lady but a strong, seasoned veteran of many wars. Forgiveness bears a greater burden than vengeance ever could. Vengeance lets hatred rule you. Forgiveness overrules hatred. Forgiveness is not only stronger; it is much more clever and wise than vengeance or retribution. Forgiveness takes intelligence, discipline, imagination and persistence, as well as a special psychological strength, something athletes call mental toughness and warriors call courage.” LOVE IT! That paints a very different, but in my opinion a much clearer picture of what forgiveness really is. It's tough, determined, courageous, and it takes character and strength.
Maybe understanding forgiveness means understanding a little more clearly what it isn't. I don't think it's about somehow making it ok or about forgetting what's been done to you. I'm not sure that's realistic for anyone but God. I also don't think it's an unwillingness to stand up for yourself or an invitation to have the wrong happen to you again.... "Dare to Forgive", cites the American Heritage College Dictionary as defining to "forgive" as, "To renounce anger or resentment against." "It goes back to a Greek root word that means "to set free," as in freeing a slave". Is that slave the one being forgiven? Or is it the one doing the forgiving? Our desire to see "justice" done, entraps us. We want to hold people captive to the things they put us through until WE decide when they've suffered enough or when their apology is sincere enough. They move on and we are stuck... a "slave" to thoughts like "that's not fair" or "they can't get away with treating me like that".
Colossians 3:13 says, "Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." We want to FREELY partake in the goodness, grace and mercy of God and His gift of forgiveness for all the ways we've let Him down yet make the price for those who hurt us almost too high to ever reach.
Maybe I'm still way off, but this is how I see it. The things I understand about forgiveness say that forgiveness isn’t something you do and then it’s accomplished. In my experience, it is something that you must choose to do each day. Because we are simply human, our best efforts toward forgiving others only means that each time we are faced with the recollection of an offense, we must choose to again walk out that choice to forgive. Eventually, choosing forgiveness over and over on a certain topic pushes that offense further and further from our thoughts and causes it to become less of a strong-hold. Therefore our level of forgiveness may vary on a certain transgression from day to day, but if we want to truly be free, our commitment to doing the hard work, can't waiver. It definitely isn’t something that just happens, but being committed to the process of forgiveness makes us stronger. Sometimes it means denying ourselves, which I don’t believe is always a bad thing. Because of Christ, I see forgiveness as a gift I have freely received and one I should be willing to freely give. It takes courage and strength and above all, it takes love. That’s something I want as much of as I can possibly get and then I want to pass it on.
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